1. Validate the feeling of the other
We will not hide it, it is infuriating to be told that there is no reason to be sad / angry / anxious / etc. by our confidant. Even if, personally, the death of a goldfish doesn't affect you more than you should, try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you're listening to. Take a painful situation in comparison, and be sincere with your friend. It's called empathy.
Concretely, this can manifest itself in very simple sentences: “I understand that you are sad / angry / anxious about this situation. You have the right to feel like this. It's like saying to someone "I believe you." It relieves the confiding person of immense weight.
Wilson's death is one of the saddest things in the world. I think about that when I try to put myself in the shoes of someone sad.
2. Identify the need of the other
Again, there is nothing more infuriating than when our confidant overwhelms us with advice, when we only want to shout about our misery. Or when our confidant tells us that alcohol won't solve our problems. " I know it well! I just want to have fun tonight! Can i decompress ?! In short, you see the genre. Your friend is still in mourning for her goldfish. Does she need you to take her to the pet store to buy another one, when Nemo was irreplaceable? I do not think so.
Concretely, this can be translated by repeating the same words as the friend: "Nemo was irreplaceable, I know you loved him, I can see that you miss him. "
It is also necessary to identify the real need of the person who confides. Your little one wants to take boxing lessons to better defend himself in the playground. Is this really the right solution to his problem? Your friend wants to cheat on his girlfriend because she already has. Is this really the answer to his problem? Try to clarify this with the person.
3. Refer the person to the right resources
Here I obviously mean psychological or community resources when you feel, as humble confidants, overwhelmed by events. More simply, we can encourage our friend to talk to the right people.
Our friend fought with her roommate. We validated his feeling, we identified his need: crying, bitcher, eating ice cream, etc. But confiding in you can't really move the business forward. It is by talking with the people involved in the sad / annoying / stressful situation / etc. that we can fix the problem. One day, there was someone who said, "Communication is the key. "
4. Value the person
Valuing the person does not mean giving blind praise to your friend. I am talking more about valuing the person in his ability to resolve the situation. She has the right to be heard and to express herself. If she has trouble believing in her, believe in her for her. You know, that's kind of what his need is, too.
5. Letting go
Personally, I find it hard to advise my sister or a colleague on her love life and to see that she does the opposite completely. But it’s not my life. If you've been there for your friend, validated her feelings, and tried to meet her need for listening, advice, or drinking, you've done your homework. Worse if after, your sister comes back to you crying, repeat the wheel of the confidant. You also have the right to distance yourself and set your limits. But that’s a topic for another article.
What are your confidential tips? How do you like to be listened to?
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