The definitive separation from a loved one is a shocking ordeal. These different stages of grief are normal reactions whose duration varies according to people's experiences and are not necessarily pathological. They can become so if a person remains frozen in one of these stages.
The sadness of a separation is not to be confused with a depression, it is a normal reaction. Among the stages of mourning, one generally distinguishes:
Anesthesia
The world has stopped turning, the time is gone ... There is a loss of contact with reality. People feel in a second state, in shock. It's stupid, we can not believe what just happened.
The research phase
This is a time when we seek to find the loved one. It is an agonizing time, because we are afraid of not hearing our voice, we are afraid even of not recognizing this voice. We are afraid of no longer recognizing the features of his face, his mimicry, ... One feels dispossessed of being loved. We search everywhere around us the habits of the other who dressed our lives.
This is a phase where many people have the impression of living indirect signs of the presence of the one who left them: "I feel his presence near me", "I sometimes believe to hear his voice", "I feel that he tries to contact me "," she came to see me in a dream "," he protects me, I feel it. "...
It is a time of great vulnerability, where people are not safe from quacks, who can impose their power of influence.
The phase of reactional depression
This stage becomes pathological, if it persists too long. It is a phase of profound sadness that comes at a distance from death, when the life of those around him, who was so present at the time of the tragedy, has resumed his daily rhythm, while the rhythm of the bereaved person is still slow.
"How can they have forgotten it so fast?", "So they do not see that I'm sad and that I suffer?"
This is a very difficult stage because the suffering is very strong, exacerbated by the feeling that others do not understand this distress. The emotions are very lively and are closely related to the lived experience.
The restructuring phase
It is the integration of mourning into a personal story. This is by no means the forgetting of the one who has left us, but it is the acceptance to return to the cycle of life with its experience, however painful it is. The work of mourning is then done ..
Words against evils: the word is the remedy for the sufferings lived, it uses the feeling of guilt which can eat away those who remain:
Guilt for not doing the right thing,
Guilt for not having been present,
Guilt for not knowing what to say,
Guilt for not knowing or showing his love for the missing person ....
Many associations can help those who are in the distress of the void caused by the disappearance of the loved one. This is the example of JALMAV (Until Death Accompany Life)
The child and his mourning
The experience of bereavement for a child who has lost a person around him varies according to the age of the child.
0 to 3 years: the child, on the emotional level is a kind of "sponge". He is not aware of the disappearance of being, but he feels deeply what others feel, like sadness. It can be invaded by separation anxieties.
4 to 6 years: the child is aware of death, but he sees it as temporary. He protects his saddened parents, too often, because he can not express his own suffering, which can awaken many years later in an unconscious and disabling way.
Between 7 and 10 years old: He understands that death is irreversible. He feels a strong sense of guilt because he believes that his thoughts may have changed the course of things.
Adolescence is a risky period, because it is, on its own, a period of mourning (mourning childhood).
Very often, children need to maintain a connection with the missing person and it is common for children to be "surprised" by talking to her, sometimes to mimic this death. These are not abnormal reactions.
Adults must listen to children: know how to surround them, do not exclude them from end-of-life time, or funeral ceremonies, explain to them in simple words the situation, guilt them, reassure them and allow them to to express their suffering. They, too, need time to realize the disappearance of a being.
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